the Ring-Spirit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
improvking) wrote2020-06-07 10:53 pm
improvking) wrote2020-06-07 10:53 pm
Entry tags:
IC Inbox (ryslig)
WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, GODKING. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 013.00.020.01 *** GODKING has joined 013.00.020.01 <GODKING> for questions about Choose the Fog, contact < Fritvælge > <GODKING> for complaints about Choose the Fog, contact < TRUTH1223 > <GODKING> otherwise have at it. | ||||
- GODKING : main handle
- Necrophades : "serious" handle
- understanding : anon/alias (polite persona)
- Fritvælge : for sub-cult business
no subject
You normally "know what's best for you"? Why??
[ Not "how", "why". ]
I don't like that I'll keep going without any driver, don't get me wrong, but...
[ The Ring-Spirit pauses, considering everything Atem just walked him through. When he speaks again, he's finally looking troubled. ]
...Lots of "something bad" happened to everyone here and keeps happening on a regular basis. You'd really rather suffer through, from start to finish, every. single. moment? No reprieves? No way out of something you can't handle? You'd rather break, and break, and break, repeatedly?
Marik told me you have a problem with laser-focus, but this is... more. A lot more.
[ What's troubling the Ring-Spirit isn't NOT the thing that's troubling Atem, but... it isn't quite the same thing, either! ]
no subject
Atem's brows furrow.
That's...that's not a problem. That's not a bug, that's a feature, which...bizarrely, appears to be how the Ring-Spirit feels about something Atem is positive is a bug.]
Even if I could check out like that, whenever I wanted...I can't afford to! There's too much to do, too much at stake. If I miss something that might make something down the line easier, or, more importantly, help me find a way out -- I'd never forgive myself!
Because I was paying attention, I avoided being truly captured by the trees, and could get some of my friends out early.
And...
[A breath, out, then in again, to speak.]
Yugi...he's got the hunger now. His time's nearly up, before he's got to kill someone. I'm going to do all I can to help him, but...I can't lose my good judgment. Not now.
[Not ever.
He looks back up at the Ring-Spirit.]
I'm not breaking. I can handle it.
[He says, believing it. Vampire arrogance is a hell of a drug.
He can handle not resting, even though other people certainly need to. He can handle spending all of August regretting not going to the beach with Steve in July. He knows how much needs to be done to make sure that none of his people go without something needed that he could have given them, taking precautions for October, laying the groundwork to be a monster among monsters, sending a message through Fabius Bile of what happens when someone in this group gets hurt...
He can do all this without falling into the kind of despair that makes you desperate, that makes you make mistakes, that makes you hate Ryslig and willing to do anything to stop what's happening to you. Because he's him. He's someone who can be counted on, no matter what. He'll figure it out. He has to.]
no subject
This is the Pharaoh, both mortal and divine, the one who is supposed to ~uphold Ma'at~ all on his lonesome. There's a person inside the role - but how does the Ring-Spirit get past all of that to reach the person inside? The person who seems to think "Never bend, never break" isn't unsustainable. The idiot in front of him.
The Ring-Spirit replies slowly. ]
...You're from before we met, at home. But for me, we've played several shadow games against each other. You would play just like this, because you were the player, and I your opponent - if you didn't defeat me, then I won, there was no one else who could take over your role if you failed. Everyone else was the stakes we played for. Every possible slipup had the potential to be your last mistake, and that would doom everyone else.
This isn't that kind of game. Everyone is a player, with ourselves as our stakes. Other players aren't pieces you can maneuver. You have to maneuver yourself, and you're refusing to assess your own strengths and weaknesses. You can't form a strategy based on ignoring what it is you have to work with!
And don't tell me "I will win because I have to, and won't lose because I've decided against it" is a strategy.
[ Yes, maybe it's the "strategy" he's tended to rely on... but also? He likes the results he's been getting recently a LOT more than his usual, and "recently" has relied on him noting and sometimes outright admitting (to other people, even!) that he. isn't. perfect.
Fucking try it, u dingbat,, ]
no subject
I know.
I know this is a multiplayer game.
Everyone gets to choose how they play, and that trying to force people to act the way you think they should act ends in disaster.
[Javert. Daniel. Even Fabius. Those were...crimes against ma'at, weren't they? Attempts to upset the natural order, as laid out by the Fog God and whoever made this game, where each monster governs himself. It's why Atem doesn't get bent out of shape over other people's feeding habits. That's just part of the game. It's unavoidable, and everyone's doing their best to live within their own codes -- or make their codes something they can live with. It's different for everyone, and not his place to interfere.]
I won't be trying that.
But my friends are suffering. I can't leave them to that, and say "good luck!" I...wouldn't be able to face myself.
[In a game that's primed for suffering, that's designed to cause as much as possible...he's set up to fail, there. But he's refusing to realize it, or that there's a middle ground. Atem has to be doing his best, all of the time. He always gives the game everything he's got, and he refuses to see that he's going to burn himself out. Because he doesn't burn out. He's Atem.]
no subject
better? maybe?
Hm. ]
...This isn't simply a multiplayer game, it's a cooperative one. No single player gets the ~hero~ role, not even you. You can't ~save~ your co-players, only assist them.
There's a difference between "you have a problem, but I will help you with it" or even "you have a problem, but I will make it also my problem" and "you have a problem, but I will take your problem away and make it mine instead".
[ The Ring-Spirit thinks he might be getting through a little...? Not nearly as much as he'd like, but surely any preventative damage control is better than none at all. ]
You can't meet other people's victory conditions for them - if you persist in trying to anyway, it simply means your own playthrough gets neglected.
...You do know how many people it would hurt if you failed to take care of yourself, right?
no subject
Is he taking others' problems onto himself, making them his instead...? Is he neglecting to take care of himself? Both of those things together would be bad. (But...) Not taking care of yourself in a place like this has consequences. That path ends in La Forteresse.
(But...)
You can't meet other people's victory conditions for them. Trying doesn't work. Trying just keeps him from getting what he wants. That...makes sense. He wants to protect Riley from Aunamee, but approaching him has only drawn attention to Atem. Protecting her directly...Mukuro might be better suited to that. And the other monsters seem to have a good read on him already. He might not need to pursue that one quite so closely.
Is his project to become a monster that's feared, whose people are protected by his name alone, who has the advantage because he's causing suffering, taking others' problems and making them his...?
Maybe. It might be. But he doesn't want to give that up. It could be his best chance, at looking out for everyone, all at once...making sure he gets the setting bonuses, the field advantage, and making sure everybody knows what will happen if one of his people is hurt.
And...there's what's coming in October. He's worried about that.
There's everything Ryou has been through.
And there's Yugi.]
...I haven't been prioritizing myself.
I've been looking for a way out, with Yugi. For Yugi. I know it's unlikely that I'd find a way out in four months when others have been working for years, but I thought I knew how to look, in a way other people might not have thought of.
I know rest is important, but...trying everything that could get Yugi out while there was still time...that mattered more.
Now that that's failed, what's left is to keep him from starving himself until he loses control. I'll make his first feeding as easy as I can, but it's still going to hurt him. I don't see a way around that...but, that's a problem I'll make my own, gladly. Dealing with that is more important than...anything I want.
no subject
He sets his head back again, letting his neck rest and turning his gaze to the ceiling. ]
Just don't forget about yourself, too. As long as you're aware of what you are and aren't dealing with...
[ The pharaoh's actually thought about what he's doing, which is probably the best anyone's getting from him for now. ]
no subject
(It isn't working here.)
He has people to support him.
(Who he isn't talking to.)
He'll be fine.
(Highly debatable.)
But...if nothing else, he hasn't neglected Yugi. He hasn't not dealt with that. And Ryou's gotten his attention, too...]
....
[He needs to ask Ryou if Ryou's all right with the Ring-Spirit knowing they're romantically involved. That's something Atem doesn't want to get wrong, so...he's going to hold off there.]
Right.
[....wait a second, he brought this up so that they could discuss the Ring-Spirit's problems. How did they get on this??]
Do you really find it easier to...not be aware of everything all the time?
no subject
Yep. I wish this damn thing would stay put if there's no second driver to take over, instead of just doing who-knows-what with nobody's say-so, but...
[ He trails off for a bit, thinking. ]
...Why are you asking? You've got a reason for this, what is it?
no subject
[He supposes...he can't make the Ring-Spirit change his mind about paying attention to what's around him. About not using turning his perception off as a way to deal with things. Atem doesn't like it, but...everyone deals in whatever way works best for them.
He'll address the part that the Ring-Spirit isn't comfortable with. That one seems more productive.]
I've got a laptop program that sends automatic messages to people if you don't check in after a set amount of time. Like a deadman's switch. It was for if someone like Daniel caught me again...and, after Fabius Bile caught and vivisected two more people, I figured out how to make copies. We'd have known sooner that they were in trouble, if they'd had it...
Do you want a copy? In case your body wanders off without you, and you end up in trouble you didn't know you were in, and can't get out of? If it tells me you're missing, then...I'll come find you.
no subject
The Ring-Spirit isn't sure why this question sets him on edge with dread, it shouldn't... right? There's nothing inherently awful here. ...Right? Ugh, there's something about it that sets him in edge enough that he feels the need to figure out what, exactly, is creeping him out.
Is it because it'd alert the Pharaoh directly, and presumably only the - no, that part's kinda sweet of him, particularly considering their everything - oh! Maybe it's -!
What Atem gets to experience is the sight of the previously lazing Ring-Spirit abruptly tensing, followed by silence, followed eventually by the hesitant inquiry: ]
So, are you... checking out now? You said the last time you came to you were going on about deadman's switches...
no subject
--and the Ring-Spirit gets to witness Atem's abject confusion and surprise when the question is absolutely not what he expected.]
What? No! I'm definitely present. Full manual control!
[And, actually, he'd be not just worried but a little bothered if someone came up to him inquiring about his wellbeing and then tuned him out.]
Besides, an important conversation like this is no time to check out. I want to remember your answers! It'd be annoying for me to have to ask you to repeat them later.
whoops this is late
He blinks.
Finally, he asks: ]
Wait, so you can control it?
[ The Most Reassuring Question. ]
npnp
[NOT REASSURING AT ALL, MISTER RING SPIRIT]
It hasn't happened often enough to really say. But I am focused. It's safe to say you've got my attention!
And I want to know if you want a program for times when you can't control it, and end up in trouble.
[He's focused, all right.]
no subject
...Why do you keep assuming I'll get in trouble after checking out? Usually that's a way out of problems...
[ The Ring-Spirit, while uneasy, seems to genuinely be trying to understand something. His reply could be taken as griping, and in a way it kinda is - but also: he doesn't know why he even wants to gripe. That he's trying to piece together. ]
no subject
[That makes two of them made uneasy by these questions. Atem can't imagine this as a way out of problems, because considering his experiences in Ryslig, if he ended up in a chimney, it wouldn't just fix itself. He'd be in for horror.]
What kinds of situations does it usually happen in?
no subject
...I don't like where I am, so I leave...?
[ Why do you even have to ask, Pharaoh,, didn't you say you do this too,, what even??
He didn't like being in a chimney, so he checked out again, next time he came to he wasn't in a chimney. Sometimes problems resolve themselves! ]
no subject
That's really how it works? What if you were killed and didn't remember it?
no subject
If I died while checked out, I'll just never know.
Might've already happened, who knows. [ He shrugs . ] I sure don't remember how I got back to Bavan after the thing exploded out of me at that ski lodge. That one's a good candidate for "maybe I died, maybe I checked out" - and showcases how little the distinction matters.
[ He scowls at Atem briefly, then shifts on the couch to get comfortable again, laying his head back down and pointedly closing his eyes. ]
That's just how life works. Shit happens, eventually it stops, everything keeps going, and no one cares.
no subject
You're not concerned about losing memories?
[Because this guy is.
The idea of just....not remembering the bad things that happen to you? Tempting. Imagine, if he just didn't have to experience his own suffering. If he could just...make it stop, in a way that mattered to him.
But the cost, and the risk, they're way too high. The cost of potential lost memories, and the risk, of...hurting someone he doesn't want to hurt. Or not helping someone he could have helped. Someone might need him, and he might not be himself enough to realize it. Not acceptable.]
no subject
[ Atem, you're worried about him, and that's sweet and all, but he is TRYING to REST,, ]
If you're so worried about my memories, maybe you shouldn't have wiped them when you stole both my true names.
[ What's an ancient spirit got to do to be allowed a NAP around here?? ]
no subject
Oh, is that what happened? Sorry, I don't remember, either!
But that's no reason for either of us to play carelessly with the memories we do have.
[Hffffff. If the Ring-Spirit's going to show his fangs, it might not be the most productive approach to try to force this...
When Atem speaks again, it's in a tone of finality. He'll let it go, after this.]
Take a copy, if you want it. Call me, and I'll come.
no subject
The Ring-Spirit isn't sure why, but the whole concept of a program that tells people when he's out is the most upsetting thing he's had to think about in a while. Which considering the current state of his former landlord? Yeah. He knows Atem meant well though, so as long as the subject's actually getting dropped... ]
If I need it, or you, I'll ask.
[ That this is poor phrasing for genuine gratitude does not occur to him. His still-annoyed tone doesn't help either.
He can't truly sleep without using a certain spell on himself, but he can still doze fitfully, and he's drifting into that. He mumbles the rest: ]
...You or him need me, I'll come too... y'can ask...
no subject
And, what the Ring-Spirit follows it up with confirms that Atem's gut was right. He shuts his own eyes.]
I know.
Thank you.