improvking | IC Inbox (ryslig)

[ Ugh, Daniel. The Ring-Spirit's glowing slit-pupils flare brighter with rage as he remembers when he'd found out that fucker tortured - nope, no, not important, he doesn't have the energy to be mad about that,
he's just.
hissing angrily at nothing for no reason.
...because he's so tired, yes, that it,, ]

[ The Ring-Spirit flops his head back to glare at the far wall. (wut? birb neck.)

He finally grumbles out a reply, trying to retrain his focus onto what is, to him, a boringly mundane topic. ]

...Must suck, not being able to...

[ He remembers running into that one person on the network who couldn't - and presumably those other two who'd tried to insist blackouts were ~ABNORMAL~ somehow didn't lose time often enough to realize their mistake. ]

And I don't know. Not something I've ever bothered to keep track of. I don't spend much time doublechecking I know exactly where I am, at all times - do you?

[ Now, that strikes him as a really weird way to waste a lot of time.

He frowns in thought, head still flopped backwards over the far arm of the couch. What is there to say? The whole deal with lost time is its absence has to be pointed out by a third party, right?? ]

There's no way to tell anything's happened without me unless there's a really obvious change - like the possession-party at that ski-lodge versus Bavan; or that time I was suddenly in, then just as suddenly out of, a chimney. ...And I'm not sure how much I remember from the week or two right after I escaped the poachers - that's when I first realized that this body would keep doing shit without any driver, which creeped the fuck out of me.

...It still creeps me out, actually - if I'm not in, someone else take over or stop driving around, don't just keep doing shit with no driver! Other kinds of vehicles don't do that!

Edited 2021-10-08 02:42 (UTC)

[...it feels kind of nice to have the Ring-Spirit angry on his behalf. A lot of people in Ryslig have the completely understandable attitude of, "what happened was terrible, but it can't be helped," and move on from it, which Atem gets, since nothing can be done now, and Atem wouldn't ask for anything besides what he's already done himself. But, from one spirit of vengeance to another, sometimes your love language is "I'm going to tear apart the bastard that hurt you," and...though Atem won't comment, it does help keep him in the present.

Which is important, because the Ring-Spirit is saying some truly concerning shit. What they did pushed the Ring-Spirit far enough physically that he was out of it for a week or two...

Yeah, any poachers still in operation are on fucking notice. That threat seems to have largely resolved, but god help any who cross his path and confess under hypnosis they remember the Ring-Spirit. "I'm going to tear apart the bastard that hurt you," etc etc.

Okay, okay. Focus.]

I usually do know where I am. Unless something from the outside's happened to affect my mind, I can generally trace how I got to the present moment, even if I'm lost. There's no gaps, if I look.

[God, what if it was because of the poachers? What if whatever they did left scars on the Ring-Spirit's mind that aren't healing? It's a damn good thing those fuckers are mostly gone.]

...sometimes, if I'm reminded of something bad that's happened, I start doing things in a way that's automatic. I stop thinking about it, and when I come back into focus, I realize I'm already halfway through explaining how to use a deadman's switch program.

But what happens to you sounds worse than that.

[Scarier, he doesn't say, but means. Atem remembers how frightened Yugi had been of his blackouts.]

[ The Ring-Spirit's body language, meanwhile, says that as far as he's concerned this topic isn't concerning. at all. He seems at ease, and increasingly so the further they get from the topic of Daniel. ]

Tch, sounds like a pain - I'd never get anything done if I had to keep track of everything.

[ Unbroken awareness of one's own surroundings? Whaaaat?

He cranes his neck back up to nod affirmatively at Atem's description of withdrawing into automatic. If Atem looks real closely he might notice that the Ring-Spirit... sure doesn't look scared. Not even slightly - and it's not from putting a brave front, it's the obliviousness of someone who doesn't know anything is wrong. ]

It's pretty much just that, only a bit more so. Sounds like you're getting the hang of it.

[ . . . .

um?? ]

Edited 2021-10-08 06:27 (UTC)

[ Then the Ring-Spirit glances down in irritation at the Ring, as it sits lifelessly on his bare chest. ]

Tch, it was easier when I was still part of the Ring - Ryou could just take over. It's not losing time I mind, it's this damn thing [ - glancing over the rest of himself, irritation growing - ] driving with no driver. That can't be normal - is it?

[ He switches his focus to Atem. ]

Do mortals normally just... keep going, with or without themselves??

[Atem lets out a slightly bitter sigh, folding his arms tighter to his chest. He's not the kind of person who usually pinches the bridge of his nose, but if he were, he would be. Instead, he just shuts his eyes for a moment.]

It happens, but I don't think it's normal.

At the beginning, Yugi was afraid of his friends finding out it happened to him...he thought they'd stop being friends with him, if they found out.

And there's someone I know here...he's an unusual case. If what I've heard is right, he doesn't have any memories from before a certain point, and...

...his fog form introduces himself with a different name. He can't remember what happens when he's in his fog form, but the fog form has at least some of his regular memories....I told the fog-form that my name was Atem, not Yugi, but he didn't remember it once the fog cleared.

I think continuing on without yourself...is a sign something bad's happened to you. That something's wrong.

[Atem's eyes go off to the side, over to where Tybolt is curled up sleeping, barely-visible, in a cardboard-box den.]

I don't like...what I just described. I don't want to get the hang of it.

If it gets worse, it could be dangerous -- if I'm not in control, something bad might happen, and I wouldn't know about it until it was too late. I could end up lost, or...well, in a chimney! Or in trouble I could have avoided.

It'd be hard to take care of myself, if I kept ending up in a state where I don't know what's best for me.

[He's a little worried about RS taking care of himself, actually...!]

[ About midway through Atem's response, the Ring-Spirit begins to tilt his head like the confused bird he is. By the time Atem finishes, he's sort of... peering at him in sheer bewilderment. ]

You normally "know what's best for you"? Why??

[ Not "how", "why". ]

I don't like that I'll keep going without any driver, don't get me wrong, but...

[ The Ring-Spirit pauses, considering everything Atem just walked him through. When he speaks again, he's finally looking troubled. ]

...Lots of "something bad" happened to everyone here and keeps happening on a regular basis. You'd really rather suffer through, from start to finish, every. single. moment? No reprieves? No way out of something you can't handle? You'd rather break, and break, and break, repeatedly?

Marik told me you have a problem with laser-focus, but this is... more. A lot more.

[ What's troubling the Ring-Spirit isn't NOT the thing that's troubling Atem, but... it isn't quite the same thing, either! ]

[A problem? With laser-focus?

Atem's brows furrow.

That's...that's not a problem. That's not a bug, that's a feature, which...bizarrely, appears to be how the Ring-Spirit feels about something Atem is positive is a bug.]

Even if I could check out like that, whenever I wanted...I can't afford to! There's too much to do, too much at stake. If I miss something that might make something down the line easier, or, more importantly, help me find a way out -- I'd never forgive myself!

Because I was paying attention, I avoided being truly captured by the trees, and could get some of my friends out early.

And...

[A breath, out, then in again, to speak.]

Yugi...he's got the hunger now. His time's nearly up, before he's got to kill someone. I'm going to do all I can to help him, but...I can't lose my good judgment. Not now.

[Not ever.

He looks back up at the Ring-Spirit.]

I'm not breaking. I can handle it.

[He says, believing it. Vampire arrogance is a hell of a drug.

He can handle not resting, even though other people certainly need to. He can handle spending all of August regretting not going to the beach with Steve in July. He knows how much needs to be done to make sure that none of his people go without something needed that he could have given them, taking precautions for October, laying the groundwork to be a monster among monsters, sending a message through Fabius Bile of what happens when someone in this group gets hurt...

He can do all this without falling into the kind of despair that makes you desperate, that makes you make mistakes, that makes you hate Ryslig and willing to do anything to stop what's happening to you. Because he's him. He's someone who can be counted on, no matter what. He'll figure it out. He has to.]

[ The Ring-Spirit listens with brows knit in concern, trying to figure out a way to... make some kind of impression, here.

This is the Pharaoh, both mortal and divine, the one who is supposed to ~uphold Ma'at~ all on his lonesome. There's a person inside the role - but how does the Ring-Spirit get past all of that to reach the person inside? The person who seems to think "Never bend, never break" isn't unsustainable. The idiot in front of him.

The Ring-Spirit replies slowly. ]

...You're from before we met, at home. But for me, we've played several shadow games against each other. You would play just like this, because you were the player, and I your opponent - if you didn't defeat me, then I won, there was no one else who could take over your role if you failed. Everyone else was the stakes we played for. Every possible slipup had the potential to be your last mistake, and that would doom everyone else.

This isn't that kind of game. Everyone is a player, with ourselves as our stakes. Other players aren't pieces you can maneuver. You have to maneuver yourself, and you're refusing to assess your own strengths and weaknesses. You can't form a strategy based on ignoring what it is you have to work with!

And don't tell me "I will win because I have to, and won't lose because I've decided against it" is a strategy.

[ Yes, maybe it's the "strategy" he's tended to rely on... but also? He likes the results he's been getting recently a LOT more than his usual, and "recently" has relied on him noting and sometimes outright admitting (to other people, even!) that he. isn't. perfect.

Fucking try it, u dingbat,, ]

....

I know.

I know this is a multiplayer game.

Everyone gets to choose how they play, and that trying to force people to act the way you think they should act ends in disaster.

[Javert. Daniel. Even Fabius. Those were...crimes against ma'at, weren't they? Attempts to upset the natural order, as laid out by the Fog God and whoever made this game, where each monster governs himself. It's why Atem doesn't get bent out of shape over other people's feeding habits. That's just part of the game. It's unavoidable, and everyone's doing their best to live within their own codes -- or make their codes something they can live with. It's different for everyone, and not his place to interfere.]

I won't be trying that.

But my friends are suffering. I can't leave them to that, and say "good luck!" I...wouldn't be able to face myself.

[In a game that's primed for suffering, that's designed to cause as much as possible...he's set up to fail, there. But he's refusing to realize it, or that there's a middle ground. Atem has to be doing his best, all of the time. He always gives the game everything he's got, and he refuses to see that he's going to burn himself out. Because he doesn't burn out. He's Atem.]

[ ...Mnnn. Well, that's.
better? maybe?

Hm. ]

...This isn't simply a multiplayer game, it's a cooperative one. No single player gets the ~hero~ role, not even you. You can't ~save~ your co-players, only assist them.

There's a difference between "you have a problem, but I will help you with it" or even "you have a problem, but I will make it also my problem" and "you have a problem, but I will take your problem away and make it mine instead".

[ The Ring-Spirit thinks he might be getting through a little...? Not nearly as much as he'd like, but surely any preventative damage control is better than none at all. ]

You can't meet other people's victory conditions for them - if you persist in trying to anyway, it simply means your own playthrough gets neglected.

...You do know how many people it would hurt if you failed to take care of yourself, right?

[Atem's body language shifts. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands folded in front of his mouth and pressed to his lips. It's pensive. He's thinking.

Is he taking others' problems onto himself, making them his instead...? Is he neglecting to take care of himself? Both of those things together would be bad. (But...) Not taking care of yourself in a place like this has consequences. That path ends in La Forteresse.

(But...)

You can't meet other people's victory conditions for them. Trying doesn't work. Trying just keeps him from getting what he wants. That...makes sense. He wants to protect Riley from Aunamee, but approaching him has only drawn attention to Atem. Protecting her directly...Mukuro might be better suited to that. And the other monsters seem to have a good read on him already. He might not need to pursue that one quite so closely.

Is his project to become a monster that's feared, whose people are protected by his name alone, who has the advantage because he's causing suffering, taking others' problems and making them his...?

Maybe. It might be. But he doesn't want to give that up. It could be his best chance, at looking out for everyone, all at once...making sure he gets the setting bonuses, the field advantage, and making sure everybody knows what will happen if one of his people is hurt.

And...there's what's coming in October. He's worried about that.

There's everything Ryou has been through.

And there's Yugi.]

...I haven't been prioritizing myself.

I've been looking for a way out, with Yugi. For Yugi. I know it's unlikely that I'd find a way out in four months when others have been working for years, but I thought I knew how to look, in a way other people might not have thought of.

I know rest is important, but...trying everything that could get Yugi out while there was still time...that mattered more.

Now that that's failed, what's left is to keep him from starving himself until he loses control. I'll make his first feeding as easy as I can, but it's still going to hurt him. I don't see a way around that...but, that's a problem I'll make my own, gladly. Dealing with that is more important than...anything I want.

[ Still not ideal, but an improvement. The Ring-Spirit makes a noncommittal, nebulously-accepting sound.

He sets his head back again, letting his neck rest and turning his gaze to the ceiling. ]

Just don't forget about yourself, too. As long as you're aware of what you are and aren't dealing with...

[ The pharaoh's actually thought about what he's doing, which is probably the best anyone's getting from him for now. ]

Edited 2021-10-16 04:46 (UTC)

Hello, spirit! It's been a while.

Since you followed me out of the apartment, I believe. Because...I definitely know you did, when I was hunting. You know, after my head grew in properly.

[Oof. This is going great, isn't it?]

So I just wanted to let you know I'm thankful for your help while I was gone, and um. Keeping Atem company. That was very kind of you.

I also wanted to thank you for your discretion when I was a child. I'm sorry I was probably a pain, since I was frightened of you. But I think you can kind of understand why...

Anyway I think that's covered it all. So. Yes.

[Ryou feels very awkward about all of this, and it's not helped by the fact that his little "quest" from Mana really did do a number on him. He might sound a little stressed out, even over text.]

Edited (forgot to put a date fffff) 2021-10-16 07:57 (UTC)

[It still feels overwhelming. If Atem stops, he'll have to deal with all of it, and that's why Atem never likes to stop. It's better to keep going, to move through it, than to let the weight of it crush him. That worked at home, and it's working here.

(It isn't working here.)

He has people to support him.

(Who he isn't talking to.)

He'll be fine.

(Highly debatable.)

But...if nothing else, he hasn't neglected Yugi. He hasn't not dealt with that. And Ryou's gotten his attention, too...]

....

[He needs to ask Ryou if Ryou's all right with the Ring-Spirit knowing they're romantically involved. That's something Atem doesn't want to get wrong, so...he's going to hold off there.]

Right.

[....wait a second, he brought this up so that they could discuss the Ring-Spirit's problems. How did they get on this??]

Do you really find it easier to...not be aware of everything all the time?

Edited 2021-10-16 21:08 (UTC)

[ The Ring-Spirit makes an irritated grumbling noise. He's tired. What are they talking about now? ...Wait, is this looping back to the... why is the Pharaoh so hung up on that?? ]

Yep. I wish this damn thing would stay put if there's no second driver to take over, instead of just doing who-knows-what with nobody's say-so, but...

[ He trails off for a bit, thinking. ]

...Why are you asking? You've got a reason for this, what is it?

[ Oh, hm. The fuck's he respond with here,, ]

if I'd just stuck with you as a kid none of it would've happened, I had no reason to leave and you liked me fine as a swan

[ It's late enough that the Ring-Spirit feels like he responded with a keysmash at best until a few minutes after he hits enter. ]

[

Well.
He's awake now,, ]

Don't. It's okay.

It's no one's fault but my own. Even after two bad encounters, I got stir-crazy and went outside without a friend a third time, and I paid the price.

You're not to blame for it. You got me back to the apartment after the monster imitating my father nearly throttled me.

if it's not my fault, it's sure as hell not yours.

you were a kid. you always got away from where you belonged at that age, I knew that.

[It takes Ryou a while to finally message back, and it's very evident why. If there's anyone he can be inelegant with, it's the Ring-Spirit. But even still...]

I...don't think I would have wanted you to see my other fears. I was scared of a lot at that time of my life. It's bad enough Marik and Atem saw what they did.

I don't

I don't want anyone else to see what I'm scared of. Even what you saw was horrible.

This isn't supposed to be about me. I'm sorry. I really am.

I just want you to know though that what you did, changing into the swan was very nice. And if you like cardamom buns I can make you some. But I'm not sure if you just ate it to appease the kid me.

I am going to be baking a lot soon, so. Speak now or forever hold your peace I suppose.

[ ... ]

fair enough.

[ The Ring-Spirit can't help but think "you're allowed to be about you" but um, yeah he doubts that'd go over well. So sure, baked goods it is. ]

Not sure I'd ever had a cardamom bun before. They're not bad though. If you've got the time, sure.

Do I want to know why you're about to go on a baking spree?

....

[He supposes...he can't make the Ring-Spirit change his mind about paying attention to what's around him. About not using turning his perception off as a way to deal with things. Atem doesn't like it, but...everyone deals in whatever way works best for them.

He'll address the part that the Ring-Spirit isn't comfortable with. That one seems more productive.]

I've got a laptop program that sends automatic messages to people if you don't check in after a set amount of time. Like a deadman's switch. It was for if someone like Daniel caught me again...and, after Fabius Bile caught and vivisected two more people, I figured out how to make copies. We'd have known sooner that they were in trouble, if they'd had it...

Do you want a copy? In case your body wanders off without you, and you end up in trouble you didn't know you were in, and can't get out of? If it tells me you're missing, then...I'll come find you.

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, GODKING. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 013.00.020.01 * GODKING has joined 013.00.020.01 <GODKING> for questions about Choose the Fog, contact < Fritvælge > <GODKING> for complaints about Choose the Fog, contact < TRUTH1223 > <GODKING>** otherwise have at it.